An Open Letter To Depression & Anxiety

Dear Depression and Anxiety.

I hate that you entered my life so suddenly but also so gradually ever since I was young that I didn't even recognise you. I sometimes just sit in my room, over playing certain moments before i was diagnosed and wonder was there a time i didn't have a mental illness. Feeling sad about the things that were anxiously made up in my mind, but can’t seem to shake the thought of something being seriously wrong. Having no motivation to get out of bed in the morning.

You've always been with me, lurking in the background, like an unwanted house guest in my soul. As i was maturing, learning about myself. You were maturing with me and not in a good way. I had bad days, feeling so alone and you tricked my mind into thinking that I didn't belong in this world anymore, you tricked me into thinking that i shouldn't trust those who love me with my thoughts and feelings because they would just judge. After being tormented by my school peers, i made the decision to attempt suicide and failed, thankfully my mum and sister caught me in time and fought to find the right people to fight this demon that was hovering around me.

This lead to therapists and doctors sitting me down, looking at me as if they were trying to piece together who i was but actually they were there to name you: Depression and Anxiety, you made me feel anxious and lonely, you feel like i didn't matter, my thoughts and feelings didn't matter. That I don't matter.

I wish you would crawl in a hole and die. Because that’s what you make me feel like doing. I would constantly have millions of thoughts rushing through my mind making me second-guess every single thing that I would do. You stopped me from being the person I’ve wanted to be.

Stop making me feel inadequate; like I am failing now and will fail at everything I pursue in the future. Stop telling me i won't succeed, because you already made sure that i cracked when doing my GCSE and going to college, i've had to drop out of courses because you made it so hard. You still do but guess what i'm not letting you win.

Goals and dreams of achieving something big would slowly diminish away. Getting the simplest tasks done seemed like a miracle. You made me feel invisible and insignificant. I would be paralyzed with fear and have panic flashing through my eyes whenever I had to step out into the world. Everyday I could feel my chest tightening and heart beating so fast I thought I was going to explode.
I don't know why you chose to exist in my life, and I ask myself "Why me?" all the time. I cannot fully answer that question, but I can thank you for choosing me. You have made me more of a fighter every day, and I wouldn't be as strong as I am today without you.

 For years the two of you destroyed my life in ways that started off little and then spiraled into a new me that was far from optimal. It would be a lie to say that you are not by my side every moment of every day in every week. You kept making me question whether a person, like me, was actually worth it. But you are a story of many.
You've made me hate myself, feel completely worthless. You've made me feel so low, so alone, and so helpless. I may feel incredibly weak at times, but I know that deep within me is the strength I need to win this battle against you. I'm not going to let you define me, i define myself

Do i walk around with a sign across my forehead saying DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS. You make me feel like this. I lie to my family, just to protect them from how dark and lonely it feels. Sometimes because of you, i think i won't ever be happy well not really. I think i won't have the life i want. The career i want, my little family of dogs and maybe a partner & children too. I'd love to have a career in multimedia journalism but what if i'm just not good enough. What if you've taken that from me, i already feel a little out of place with my hearing impairment but even more so and judged now. I just feel like i'm existing because you've made me question everything from my self worth to whether i can beat you. I want a time where i don't have these thoughts and that i meet someone who is understanding and accepts me for me.

I can't always recognise the strength and the fight within me. There are some days when you take over my soul completely, and I feel that my will to fight you is gone. The longer you hang about, the stronger i'm going to become... I have learned you are both so common, that you are attached to thousands of people like me. That I am not alone.

I’m not going to let you win anymore. I won’t let you build me up with sorrow and make me feel unworthy. I know I’m loved and have great things ahead of me. I want to be able to appreciate all the little things in life and stop fearing you. It’s time I break down that wall you’ve created and let the incredible support system that I’ve been blessed with help me fight back, because you don’t control my life; I do.

You have taught me to conquer my fears and always know my self worth. I am not my anxiety or depression  One day, i will beat you with one powerful stick.

Simone, A young woman who will continue to fight.

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