21 Daily Thoughts, Thanks To My Mental Illness

Despite the stupidity of it, it’s no secret that in this day and age, people are taken at face value. Just from one glance you form an opinion of someone, from their like and dislikes to their most inner thoughts and feelings. And, it’s this default human response to meeting someone that can be troublesome for people with a mental illness. 

Many people are under the impression that if you are depressed you should look visibly depressed, But the truth is, appearance isn’t everything, and you have no idea what is going on in the head of someone with mental illness. While everyone you come across is different, I hope that this post will perhaps help you understand that a smiling face and chatty nature doesn’t reverse the turmoil going on inside a person.
These thoughts are somewhat vivid, so i apologise in advance if this post upsets you - i wanted to do something personal and raw.

1. I wish you wouldn’t compare my situation to yours right now, it’s hurting me more than helping.

2. When people look at me, do they see my anxiety and depression and pity me?

3. I want to explain to my friends and family so they understand, but I’m terrified they won’t and they will judge me.

4. I just want to be normal. Do i look weak and pitiful in the eyes of my GP? 

5. Would everyone be better off if I wasn’t in their life?

6. Am i good enough and strong enough to keep fighting this, because it hurts

7. What do people really see when they look at me? Someone that takes anti depressants so she can manage every day life.

8. If I acted like the real me, would people get tired and hate me?

9. Do i seem bitchy and ungrateful when i'm depressed?

10. Can people really see through me and they are gonna judge me

11.  If I’m happy today, will people think I’m lying about my mental illnesses?

12. Do people really understand, or do they pretend that I’m perfectly fine? I wish people would try and understand. I’m so lonely

13.  I bet everyone thinks I’m not trying hard enough. Does it look like I’m not trying hard enough?

14. I'm so tired.... I don't know how much longer i can deal with feeling like this,

15. Does it look like i'm in control? I don't feel like I have much control.

16. Deep breathes, that's suppose to help isn't it? Why does it feel like everyone is just watching me.

17. I wish people knew that we don't choose to have a mental illness. It takes every ounce of strength to hold it together. I'm not depressed or anxious because i'm weak. Who really understands?

18. I just want to remove myself from everyone and everything. Please don't take it personally. My depression and anxiety make the even the most basic things hard sometimes, Stop silently judging me.

19. I don't want sympathy, just a little empathy because anxiety and depression are a part of me, if you don't understand this illness - imagine how hard it for me to understand.

20. I want to feel happy and not feel like a burden. I'm trying my hardest everyday to fight this but some days that depression cloud or monster wins the battle. 

21. Do i look good enough, is my makeup okay? Nobody likes me, everyone judges me.

Not only am I fighting my mental illness, but my mental illnesses are fighting with each other. That's how i can describe living with depression and anxiety. It's like having two devils on your shoulders. One tells you that you don't care or feel anything. And the other tells you to over think and worry about everything. Everyday is a secret battle, please be understanding and please be kind.

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