Mental Health: It's Okay Not To Be Okay.

I have talked about my mental health quite a bit on this blog but not talked about my medication. So as you all know i suffer from depression and anxiety which the two together is a challenge. When i was diagnosed, i was sent to a therapist who told me i was showing signs of depression & anxiety which lead to being prescribed anti depressants 20mg fluoxetine to be exact.

Fast forward 5 years or so and struggling with college, pulling out of my studies and having counselling and now i've made the decision to up my dose from 20mg to 40mg to help control my anxiety and low moods better. Although it's a fairly new thing, i think it was the right decision because i have been struggling with motovation, being happy and being more myself. Sometimes i just felt a lot of pressure to be okay, keep going and get on with it but it was hard. There were days where i just felt more calm and content at home

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Some days i felt i was getting better and then it feels like the world is coming down on me like a ton of bricks and i felt so empty without knowing why. Some days I'd get up in the morning, the dread for the day fills my body and there’s a huge weight pressing on my chest and constricting me. I admitted to myself that I’m not coping as well as i thought, I’m unwell, that these thoughts i was having are not normal. And i can get better and i will. It'll will just take some time to fight it. 

I wanted to be happy and sometimes i just didn't know how. I didn't feel good enough about myself or that i was a good daughter, sister, granddaughter. Or anything, i felt like i was a burden because i was happy one minute and depressed the next and i was getting more anxious about the littlest things - I suppose i got tired of people telling me it will be okay but when? I was (still) my own enemy when i should be my own best friend and i found that hard because i always found myself hating some parts of me as well as loving some parts of myself. Depression and Anxiety feels like your mind is playing tricks on you and you're having to fight them with your biggest spell. Having depression and anxiety is very physically and emotionally draining. It feels like you lose your true self and no matter how hard you try you can't find who you once were.

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It just gets so overwhelming, sometimes i just want to scream. I tell them how i feel and it's like they hear me but they're not really listening and honestly i never imagined my life turning out this way but who does? Who imagines being diagnosed with a mental disorder? Nobody. 

Things are looking up, some days are hard but I’m coping a little bit better. College is going well. Everyday is different but I try to keep a positive mindset and hope that it works out well. No one has their life figured out just yet and that's just the right time for people to learn more about themselves and their strengths. When things get tough sometimes strength is all we need.

One thing i would say is surround yourself with things & people who/are positive and make you happy. It will get better. It just takes time. We're all human and we all matter.

Dear Simone:
Try and see the positives in every day and know you are good enough, loved and valid more than you know. Stay strong. I love you just as you are, don't think about changing because you're perfect don't let anyone tell you different even yourself. And know It's okay not to be okay. You will come back stronger. Look after yourself, I LOVE YOU

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Don't be ashamed of your struggles or your mental illness, it doesn't define you. Your struggles in life shape a stronger version of you. Remember that.

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